If you Can't Touch me

Well senior year of high school has begun and it feels so much more easygoing. I feel mroe freedom and more flexibilities in my schedule.

I have french nowwhcih I always wanted to take since I was 6. Cos of that one cartoon. Pepi le Peut. Or w.e it was spelled.

Learning things I already understand/know in french. And of course taking Japanese 4. And of corse English.

Business Applied Math and English 12 A Honors.....

I'll explain mor ein depth tomorrow.

Regardlessssssssss

A question that just cam einto my head a little survey for those who read my journal....Reply anonymously and try not to make me know who you are. I like mysteries.

1. If I were going to die and you came to visit me what would be the last words to tell me?
2. What do you think are my easiest flaws to tell?
3. Which do yout hink are the hardest to tell?
4. What do you like most about me?
5. Do you looooove meeeeee?

^ ^; Kthxbye

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「EDIT]：If you wonder why i do this is because a long time ago I did a certaint hign similar. It was like a chain post type thing my frien dmade me do it a logntiem ago but never did it. XD

Mmmm this break up between me n Christian is acually turning otu fo rthe better...

Even though I haven't gotten over my disgust in dating other men. I really hate it when guys flirt me up or become obsessed with me... It gets on me nerves and makes me feel nasty all over D:<

The only person my emotions seem to be focusing on still... is Christian...

I feel bad though because I'm still a bit affectionate with him... But I'm one to go by tha I don't liek to hide my feelings or surpess them...But at the same time I'm afraid of him pushing me away in disgust of me for being "obsessed" with him or him thinking I'm annoying for subtly chasing after him...

But I keep telling myself that wont ever happen... Because he has feelings for me too, and I guess he likes the fact that I am still a bit affectionate with him but maybe sometimes I push it too far? But then again eh told me he would tell me... But then again he might not be telling me so that I don't feel bad....

I don't think he wants to push me away though... He still likes my presence, or at least I think he does. Lol. At times I do think about whether I should still be talking to him or not.... I always wonder if it's the right thing to be doing and a part of me says, Yes~! That way he will realize that you do really love him and that he is the only one for you and that he is truely precious to you... n n; and a part of me says no that the fatc that I am being affectionate with him seems to put pressur eon him that he doens't need ebcaus ehe may need mroe space to think. Although recently he has been spending ALOT more time in work than anything else. I guess he feels that since I don't matter in his life as much as I did before he can take on full force other things that are necessarily more important than me.

Not that I'm complaining...Though I do hate that I can't spend as much time with him. It makes me a bit depressed at times just sitting there on the phone not saying a word hardly to each other. It's almost like I odn't feel the motivation to start a conversation. But I'm pushing myself on as to not lose my stature. I'm staying strong... And I ignore these feelings of being left behind in the dust.

I don'tlike expressing myself to him though, even though I tink it would make me feel alot better to discuss these things with him tbh...To tell him how I'm feeling and how I'm progressing through this. But at the same time I don't want to because it might put pressur eon him.... How? I dunno... I dunno how to explain it. I guess I'm jsut afraid of him misunderstanding my explanation. Like I'm not going to explain it to him so that he wants to go back with him. Like, I'd hoenstly like to know how he's doing too in all of this.

But anyways, since I can't tell him I guess I can tell you because you wont say anything back my dear LiveJournal. You wont give me the cold sholder or anything. n n;

Well to be honest I'm begining to regain my self confidence. I'm feeling a bit better about myself as the days go on, noticing myself. How beautiful my personality really is now that I can finally work on my skills in a relationship better. I'm rpoud of myself... For taking such bold measures to fix myself for him...Not just for him though but for myself. So that I don't hate myself anymore. Like today I felt beautiful...Inside and out. I'm begining to see exactly WHY people love me, like me, obsess over me.

I asked myself, do I really love Christian?! And the answer I came with is YES. I love this man like I've never loved anyone else before. I mean, this feeling I get evrryday while he's at work thinking about our upcoming daily activites together, even as friends. Thsi feeling I get whenever I talk to him liek that feeling in your chest, tightening. The feeling fo when I imagine us living together living a life, I feel light....Like I can fly. The feeling of admiration... Looking up to him and feeling like I can tell him anything and that eh will give me the best advice.... The feeling like he is my king and want him to be happy and I wish for him to feel these feelings that I feel fo rhim. To protect him....This natural feeling of protection...That if I were to be deprived of sex from him my feelings would be boundless still....Like I can still lvo ehim even without the love MAKING. This love is beyond lust, beyond obsession. It's pure love that even while I type these words I feel my heart beating faster at the thought of being in his arms and feeling his warmth... These unspoken words now, "I love you" I no longer can say but when they are supressed they feel so much more stronger. It's like a seed that si growing more and more as the dasy go by. Because now I can't fully express myself. The more my feeling are being kept inside the more I begin to love him, his presence, his overall persona.

Am I obsessed with him? To a certain extent. I wish to spend time with him all the time. It's like having an obsession with your favorite R&B singer. Liek you want his autograph... But when I think obsession it's not like I'm chasing after him everyday and being like OMG LET ME KISS YOUR ASS~!!! I'm not like that with him. So I don't think I'm obsessed with him. I feel more of a romance... Like a very strong romance. Like I can sit down and write poetry type of romance.

Do I lust for him? Actually... to be honest I don't really lust for him. My feelings of wanting him in that way are driven by the fatc of wanting to feel his body against mine. To feel his warmth and the passion within this love making. To put the feeling of love into it and to want him tobecome one with me is what drives me...I thoguth I was lusting him int he begining but nah I don't.

I'm in a very testing situation now too. Where I have men literally crawling up my legs to have me... But I stay clear of them because I'm not going to be with a man because of the way he feels, cos I have feelings too. And I really dont' have any for any of th epeopel whoc hase after me. And I dont' feel bad about saying NO. ^ ^;

I'm also begining to learn that I don't ned to talk to anyoen I don't like out ofpity or sympathy for them. I just give them the cold shoulder if I really dont' want to talk to them.

I'm doing rpetty damn good...I look foward to the turn out of my progress.....I really was doubting myself before but now I actually have confidence in myself because I'm noticing what a good job I'm doing. n n;

I just wish, I wasn't afraid of saying all of this to Christian...

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http://community.livejournal.com/music_united/profile

Join if you want. n n;

Uwaaa I found my inner peace with this situation ^ ^;

I'm okayw ith it now, we're friends and we're still happy.... I feel better now.

Well today I had a talk because I was feeling like he didn't love me at all but he does. As long as I know that he loves me just a bit I'll be able to stay strong, and this won't be the last of what is our relationship.

Just wait...

Also I feel inspired to start a PSU comic. Like actually give a story line to my characters. ;3

Heehee we'll see what I do with this.

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"Hugging you close to me, forever more"

Well now that it's over between me n Christian I'm trying to hold onto myself...

I can't really say how I'm feeling right now

A part of me is angry because I actually bothered to try to fix that relationship and for what? NOTHING. DUUUUUUUUUURF.

A part of me is depressed because I wanted to see myself in the future with this man.

A part of me is trying to stay optimistic because maybe...somewhere in the future he can fall in love with me all over again...

A part of me is being the opposite... thinking that there would be no other chance for me...

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...

...I don't know whether to feel mad now or what.

Mad at Christian for thinkign so retardedly and lettign such a thing cloud his feelings for me... I'm just waiting here... Not really knowing what to expect, not really knowing what to wait for exactly...

Maybe, just maybe... These tears will end, and I can continue our relationship... Just maybe.

Other than that, I have quite my position as somethign important on hsi PSO server because I don't want to get in his way of that anymore.... I felt like I only caused more trouble for him and the community.

I'm scared... Because there's a chance that he might not really love me eh says. I'm so scared... I don't think it's right....

Well, once again all I can say is, I'm waiting... Preparing myself for what might be one of the most painful things I've ever been through...

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You still have...All of me

GOD WTF? Another bf down~!

How many more men?! > >;

Oh well not like it matters I guess. I mean I bugged out when we first broke up today btu I was the one who decided and like I can't be his freind even though he wants me to.

I'm too fucked up in the head to be friends with an ex-bf. I'll only continue to act as fi I'm his fuckign gf when I'm not. And imagien what that will bring when he finally gets another gf. Oh God that pisses me off so damn badly. lol

Seems like I messed up good this time tho. I guess I can't prove bullnuts that I'm a faithful person even though I gave everything I could and devoted myself to letting him know EVERYTHING I do, who I talk to, etc

He tries to blame himself but it isn't even his fault it's mine fo rfukcing up a relationship that could've lasted FOREVER. And I mean forever... Our relationship was fuckign flawless. It was beautiful and wonderful.

What a bunch of bullshit this is man....And then I tried to fucking kill myself let's not get into that..... I was so close to fucking blacking out and the pain was so damn harsh. Pills do more damage than yout hink when they're combined that is.

Well I got my internet on Thursday morning and it was awesome etc....

But yeah thunderstorm = bad omen

So today there was one and I'm sitting here and I'm just like the whole fucking day thinking, "Bring the drama~!"

It came alright. lol

I dunno what emotion to feel....Pissed or depressed?

Both I guess.... I'm so pissed that I don't want anything anymore. Pissed at myself. I feel liek I deserve nothing. Cos this is the result of my stupidity.

Depressed because I lost the one I TRUELY and deeply loved for the first time ever in ym whole fucking life. In my whole fucking life this has been my first TRUE love. I felt what true love is. And I fucked it up and now there will never be a "us" in the future. EVER.

It's supposed to be a break I know, but for som reason I feel as though that won't be the case....I'm scared out of my mind you don't know...

I'm gonna drive myself fucking insane in this time period....

Maybe I should've said I wanted to talk to him just to see how he progresses so then I don't get caught by surprised when he tells me he doesn't want me anymore because he got over me in the break....

But then again I don't want to force him into anythign he doesn't need or want... I know myself pretty damn well. i WILL still flirt with him whether or not we're together or not. I'm not one to hide my feelings....Especially these that are so strong.... I did that with Arg whne he wanted a break. We were friends but I started being all cute cuddley flirty with him and he did the same. 3 days later we're back together. I made him feel uncomfortable and what not tho.

But maybe if I talk to him still at least I can be arround to give him motivation to eb with me.....

....I dunno.....I'm going fucking crazy....lol

Well then... Whatever happens happens...- -;

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I gave PSOBB the benefit of the doubt I really did... Honestly tho, I have had it up to here with all the crap people say....I mean recently all that has been happening to me is, everytime I actually bother to go on PSOBB, you know, to help n00bs and such I get beat down with my own intentions to do somethign right....

When I try to defend myself against people who flame for being "Attention whore", "Abuser of powers", "Only with Schth for the VIP", "Soft cake bf haver", "Whore", "worse GM ever" etc I get pumelled... not only by the community, but by the GMs themselves....

When I try to stay mutual and just ignore their rantings, they just try harder, that or they bring up my name in somethign that really had nothign to do with me... My name gets passed arround with rumors of me being a dumb ass bitch who cant' stay faithful to her man this n that....If I stay ignoring it my rage gets bottled up.

When I get depressed over it I feel dumb. I try to seek help but I feel stupid for complaining about insults over the internet. What do I care about what people say to me on the internet?

When I try to act conceeded about it it's even worse....You know, liek saying, "They just jealous"...

What have I done wrong?... What can I do to fix this?... I just want to do something right for a community that doesn't even appreciate my existance.... Am I not doing anythign to help?

It reminds me of Middle School. Where I used to think that if I didn't exist, would people be more happy? If I just killed myself would they finally understand what they put me through? Would light be shown down upon them to actually show them what pain and suffering they have caused me? Will they even care....

I used to think the same when I was with Sascha...

Right now I'm having a battle within myself... a strong one...

Should I stay....or should I go?

I want to stay, because I know that if I do stay all of this will end. Because I didn't give up. To show them that I am stronger than most.... I know that I am making a few people proud out there in this community, the people who come to me and say thank you for being here and making this server thrive and making this game live on. Those few who admire me and look up to me for doing the things that I do... The few who actually see what good I am and what good I do...I want to teach the other GMs the ways of actually understanding n00bs. They may be annoying but you can still talk to them. ^ ^ Help everyone, don't turn anyone down when they need help...Don't insult them or mock them for being a bit mean to you or being too n00bish. Just act calmly towards them...

But then again the feeling of quitting sems ok... I hate quitting tho. To give up. To throw everything away and just let the community eat themselves inside out. Never return. But that'll show people hwo weak I am. That's what they want. They want me to break....

I banned myself from the forums because I can no longer take the abuse of being called an attnetion whore this n that being told that I'm being protected by Schthack... It's hsi choice whether he wants to protect me or not, I don't control him. I never ask for help honestly... I handle it my own way. Because sooner or later I feel ok about it. But when I'm alone like this and reminissing or I go back to PSOBB, I become depressed again when people start bashing on me. Things can go fine for some time until something sparks up that just kills it all...

I honestly dont' want to leave the community for the few peopel who liek me, for the few that want me to stay and thinkt hat I deserve what I have become. I want to liven up the place... make the assholes leave because I'm pulling through their crap. I want to show them that despite their attempts to weaken me I stay stronger than them.

I want to make quests, be the GM that everyone loves, the GM that everyoen admires for being a nice person, understanding, and concerned with what goes on with them, etc.

I actually feel a bit better to get this all out. The way I want tit o without being scared to say it.... ^ ^;

We'll see what happens...

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”爆破して飛び散った
心の破片がそこらじゅうで
きらきら光っているけど
いつのまには私は
こんなに弱くなったのだろう…”

( Survey )

God damn it... next time pick a shorter one... LOL.

I'll post later when I feel like it. T T;

Well today, I'm hoping I can get out of the house if I fidn out where this supposed "midway" is. Either at harbor yard or at seaside park. One of the two please~! I hope it's true tho I really wanna go to a carnival~ - Rolls arround -

So yesterday was SO fucking hilarious I don't care what anyoen says. It cheered me up so fucking much. ^ ^

Went on PSU played me, Schth, Reina, and some n00b friend we made because we randomly decided to join this one nub club.

Saw Omega, yelled slut countless times at her for epic lulz.

She amkes herself so obvious. And then her fucking cast looks like Kunai. NO NO NO NO NO No ONE can look as good at Kunai she fails X__X

So anyways, bothered lots of random people. One of Omega's retarded friends Im guessing named Lynn. I was bugging her and doing like actiosn of kicking etc and she's all like. OMG STOP GO AWAY YOU LITTLE FUCKING SHIT OMG GO AWAY STFU~!

Then they ran away after a while.

Soon I got bored of fucking arround with peopel on PSU so I went to like do other stuff, me did other stuff. Went on PSOBB later on that night Seconal and some PC player acting as Soda named Trina were ebign slutmasters. Demon is playing the innocent card like always tho acting liek eh didn't send them on us. But I got scolded for taking out frustration on Demon since I'm not even supposed to be talkign to him at alll.

And so then also, after the bitches got bored cos no one was paying attention to them, I went offline cos Christian was attempting to find a way to kill Sascha's pc/webserver. We found a way to take down his webserver. And to be honest, it's still dead. O_o; I can't get on his website at all. lmao. And so we found a flaw in the webserver. Christian made a little problem with 2 buttons, a timer, and shit. Coded it to connect to the webserver and run a line of coding of requesting sockets to open repeatedly. Up to 4k slots, it died. And it's still dead.

Anyways, that made em feel alot better, because now he's forced to not be able to host any of his retarded little logs between him and me or any of his stupid pointless shit he was hosting on hsi webserver. ^ ^;

Well now, Christian is working and I'm just waiting for him to get home to bother the holy shit out of him. He prolyl won't be home untill like 5-6 P.M. Untill then I'l prolly work on some stuff for the server, play psu, pso, keep myself mainly just busy enough. >_>!!

Anyways, people need me~!

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Everyday from this week I was waiting for Christian to leave me. I had lost all hope in myself as a person, I thought I wasn't worthy of ANYTHING. Not even one ounce of his so warm love, every word he spoke to me hurt me deep nside, because I knew that I was doing wrong for him...

I was talking to my ex-bfs behind his back, fliting with them, hurting him by telling him what I was doing. Especially with the person he hates most, Sascha.

I can understand hwo he feels, when someone talks to someone you hate with a passion for something they did to you...

Well sooner or later I got tired of hiding these conversations with Sascha from him so I decided to hand the logs over to him. After being torn apart I broke and hsattered the side of me I never wanted him to see sprung out in an instant. Tearing myself apart. Piece, by piece. Until I was nothing.

So anyways, I couldn't really argue against hsi words, I had no one else to blame but myself, Sascha himself told me I was doing wrong, even though he played into it himself, I couldn't blame him because I was the oen feeding into his flirtatousness, into his charmingly offensive personality.

I felt like I was hopeless, not being capable of doing much right. All I ever do and achieve at doing is hurting those arround me....

Well, at least I convinced him not to leave me....

Let's see if I can do this right.

Today I seeked help from me friends. I told them not to let me talk to Sascha ever again or John for that matter. To keep an eye on what I do, and who I talk to.

In all honesty I'm trying to stay as strong as I can. Even tho I'm afraid to talk to Christian, for fear of the uneasiness that will msotlikely ensue during our conversations from now on.

...Meh... Why can't I do anything right? What's my problem?

Please God, give me a miracle.

Other than my emo mood, school is done for me. Finally no more stress...

Or at least I hope...But now I have to deal with Christian not being arround as often as he used to. Most of my day will be spent alone. From morning till afternoon 8 hours or more without my man, but then again what can I say? Can I complain? Not really. He needs the money for paying off the server. Other bills. He's the first of them all who has a home of his own, and I guess I better get used to it especially for when we live together.

Peace...

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Recently I have been feeling the urge to start some real dirty shit with Christian just because everything goes so innocently with him. So right. Where's all the drama? The verbal abuse? It's like I'm so used to it that when I finally have a GOOD relationship I expect it to turn sour immediately...

Well I had a long talk with Christian to tell him how I felt and what not and now I actually feel better to know that even if I tell him all this he doesn't fear too much being with me, even though he is confused on what to do. He just told me to try hard to control myself.

Today, I thought for about 40 mins in my english class contemplating on if I actually have the NUTS to fucking start drama with Christian. Apparently not. I mean I could if I wanted to, but for some reason when I TRY to get mad at him I can't. I can't cuss at him, yell at him. I think I truely love me. Like for real. But I'm still afraid of him leaving me even if I told him I was pretty convinced now that I couldn't do a thing like that even if I tried. Too much guilt on how it'd be some really fucked up bullshit if I did that...

If you didn't notice I deleted my past entries due to the fact I was tired of reading over my past dramas. Let's focus on the present ;3

Well today I was willing to go to school for once since I got out at like 10:05 anyways. So only there for like 2 and a half hours. But I didn't go straight home cos I thought Christian would be at work, have no time for me, w.e. Well there in Joshua's house I fell asleep ont he floor watching Comedy Central. Joshua curled up next to me and he's so cute when he sleeps~! He's like the little brother I never had ^ ^; So I petted him while he slept. I got that like older sister type of feeling. The kind where you just want to protect your younger sibling. Even tho at times they can be so damn annoying.

Luis was asleep on Joshua's bed. So it was like we were all asleep. o.o

But like sooner or later his mom came home and I thoguth his mom might've wanted us to die or somethign when she saw us.

After that I went home with Luis and I found Christian. O O;

Well today I intend to spend lotsa time with him cos I haven't recently. ;3 Anyways, back to doing what I was lol.

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